THE INVINCIBLE CHAMP15NS

First, let me explain the terminologies that make the heading of this piece. The oxford dictionary (7^th edition) defines a champion as someone (Gor Mahia cannot be a thing) who has won a race. He is a God who has kicked the ass of Lucifer out of heaven, passed the thick rain clouds, onto the blessing-deprived earth. He is a man who has added his wife a third child – on top of the beautiful twins she has on her chest. She is a girl who has received ten proposals and is debating, in her cute mind, who among the potential suitors is the least idiot.

An invincible girl is one who waded the waters of lust and exited unblemished. Did you get it? I will try to demystify the definition, for purposes of your small school head. This girl is a real angel. Her legs are parallel, yes, but only to the knee. Her skin is soft and well-knitted. Her umbilicus is that pretty dot on a flat blank page. But her body topography is not what I wanted to discuss. Forgive my lustful ink. This lady has never been defeated. Men have only admired her through the windows.

Gor Mahia has won the league for the third time in a row, with its hymen innocently intact. Ulinzi approached her with a dry sugarless letter and she rightfully dismissed it as mundane. Tusker sent her a text message but Gor Mahia, in her own wisdom or excess of it, found the message polluted with grammatical errors. Sofapaka, a snobbish Congolese boy, approached her, dressed in several layers of lotion, heavy perfume and bling bling. But his arrogance and useless masculine ego would let him down. Gor Mahia is that humble girl who cooks and books. She cannot do a love crook.

Then came Mr. Tiger Woods, a sex starved man whose estranged wife ran away with all that he owned, namely: two bags of sugar and four hens. His passes did not penetrate Gor’s thick Godly skin, imaginably because of his violent disposition.

Village boys also tried their luck, betraying their incivility and poverty situation. Their facebook messages were never replied. But Mr. Mathare was particularly stubborn. He had the right words, the requisite deep voice and a solidly compacted confidence. His goatee was beginning to pull his chin down. Two sister stones were already cemented on his chest. He appeared to be capable of offering high-class romance – French kisses, American hugs and German steeliness. Gor Mahia was about to succumb to his continuous hard push. She allowed him to lay his evil fingers on her nipple. Her leaf-shaped mouth was gently stroked. As she prepared to lower her skirt, she discovered that Mathare did not carry a condom with him. That moment your phone runs out of power when you were expecting an important call

I am sure you want to know what made Gor Mahia the earth’s goddess. You could be interested in finding out how her legs, eyes, nose, hands and hips were sculptured. Well, here you are:

Composed. His hands are hungrily magnetic. Not even a slice of air passes between his selfish fingers. He reminds me of Fabian Barthez of 1998, Oliver Khan of 2002 and Van der Sar of 2008. To score against him, strikers must either widen the mouth of the net or resize the ball into a small slippery leather.

12 uninterrupted clean sheets. Bonface was my favourite player throughout the campaign. Thanks Jerim Onyango for giving him a chance to play.

I think he is the epicenter from which the green waves that tore apart the opponent’s defence emanated. He slipped passes between defenders. He defended well. He attacked diligently. His ball control and collectedness in the midfield is above Kenya Premier League. But nothing is more remarkable about him than the rabona trick he did against Yanga in Cecafa and Muhoroni Youth in Top 8…someone help him manage his temper.

I love three things about him. One, his intelligent play. A real engineer. His shielding is concrete. Balls off his feet obey the trajectory he desires for them. His goals are akin to a building’s beautiful glassy finishing. Two, I admire his discipline. He ignores defenders who provoke him. He does not make career-threatening tackles. He is humble. He knows that it was curiosity and not humility that killed the cat. Three, he has career goals. He hopes to play in Europe one day. While he is dreaming big, stupid men like me are dreaming wet.

Hardworking, committed, cultured and mature. I only know of Lilian Thuram of 1998, Canavaro of 2006 and Nemanja Vidic of 2008. Mean. Ruthless. Unforgiving. It is because of him that KPL strikers hate K’ogalo. Thanks Captain. And congrats for making over 200 appearances for the champions. What I have said about you applies to Haron Shakava, mutatis mutandis.

If you’ve been keenly watching Gor’s matches, you will agree with me that in Abondo’s presence, Gor plays a little bit of tiki-taka football. Abondo loves to put the ball on the ground, presumably because his small body cannot win him aerial balls. What’s more? His free-kicks are always either accurate or inches away from accuracy. On the back of my jersey is his name.

If KFF goes ahead to implement the policy requiring local clubs not to field more than three foreign players, my unsolicited advice to Gor Mahia is that this boy must be retained. Meddie Kagere and Olunga know how many metres Karim’s crosses have added to the pile of their goals.

Thank you for all the donkey work. It’s because of your gattusoness that Aucho got enough space to feed both Godfrey Walusimbi and Innocent Wafula on the left and right flanks respectively. Say hi to Erick Ochieng’. He is good but there is something you have that he lacks. Have I mentioned that Abouba Sibomana and Walusimbi remind me of Partrice Evra and Ryan Giggs?

They call you buffalo because you can kill a lion. Anyway, thanks for the throw against Mathare and the clinical finish against KCB. Also, if you find time, tell George Odhiambo that his last minute goal against CNaPs of Madagascar is something many will never forget. Ronald Omino should also know my love for all the players who wear jersey number 7. To Earnest Wendo, Dirk Glay, Timothy Otieno, Jerry Santos, David Juma and Taofic Zachary we love you all.

Frank Nuttal, it’s sad we do not have a queen in Kenya otherwise you could have enjoyed the sweetness and class of the title sir.  Bobby Ogola, I see boys are still thinking while running. Frank Ouna, I would like to know where that gym is situated. My body is growing unfit.

Ambrose Rachier, allow me to address you in a language you understand. The matter before me is criminal case number 66 of 2015. You were charged with contemplation to leave office contrary to wishes of majority of K’ogalo fans. Having canvassed evidence tendered by both sides, I am persuaded the prosecution has proved his case beyond reasonable doubt. The court finds you guilty, based not on suspicion, emotion or sycophancy. You are sentenced to life imprisonment in Gor Mahia’s Office.

Amina Ferrari, you have confirmed that what a man can do a woman can do even better.

Ken Wuod Awasi, wan jo Awasi ema wagoyo ga jolang’o ka gi thago joluo.

Chris OmondiTeddy and Lule of Gor Under 19 should join the senior team.

Tony Anelka, taking the initiative to keep us informed is noble. Joma pingo nera wadagi.

Jarunda, although ok in ja ofis lakini amor. Ich lit joluo aonge go. Jomoko piem kodi to ok ginyal mobilize kata street urchins ariyo machopi e pap.

Fans, I love the noise. I enjoy the dances. I am happy that you have brought excitement in the Sportpesa Premier League. Kwayo en mana achiel. Please, ka refa omayowa to wawe gi kwe. Hooliganism ok kony.It’s the reason TUZO ran away. It’s the reason Molo Milk declined to sponsor Gor Mahia, even after the president intervened. Players odenyo. Club ok dongi nikech companies oluoro gik ma fans timo. Otherwise gi gombo sponsor Gor. If you really love local football, if you really want the club to grow to become the best in Africa, if you genuinely support our players, please, don’t do that which will take money away from the club. Wabed uru mos. Timbe gi dwoko wa chien. Next season wabiro goyo joma ketho nying Gor. Koka nyinga be en mana gym.

Jeff Kinyanjui, though wewe si wa Gor but I think you deserve two sentences here. Thank you for playing a role in the development of our football. I hope you are mentoring young sports journalists.

Finally, to all politicians who financially supported Gor Mahia, we are grateful. President Uhuru, it is with utmost gratitude that I write to say thank you. You and I know perfectly well that fans of Gor are predominately Luos of Kenya (we have Luos of Uganda, Luos of South Sudan and Luos of America). Because of their ethnicity, they are not likely to vote for you in 2017. In fact, when that year comes, you will be jeered and abused. But this undeniable fact has not stopped you from supporting the club. Ne wega mno. One request, Mr. President, I don’t expect your government to fulfill the five stadia promise pledged during the 2013 electioneering, but please, find it in that responsible piece of your presidency to lay artificial turf in our stadiums. It is boring watching football played on a rugged surface. Jaro Soja, ensure my message reach the president.

Cc: Gor Mahia Patron, Raila Odinga.